Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies