Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
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goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I falcon love using swear birds
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Haha good job!!
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I can’t deal with men any longer
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.