PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
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[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.