Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now