10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
You Might Also Like
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective
I learned all I need to know about how to treat my coworkers by watching every Saw movie at least ten times.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
8. Which is your least favorite character?
[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap