Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
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Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries