@mofrorock

Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.

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@Marcmywords2

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

@TheBoydP

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:10:”tracy_marq”;s:5:”image”;s:59:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1959113727/cb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:17:”82926390600663040″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”281″;s:5:”tweet”;s:78:”If my dad were alive today he would say, “Tracy stop telling people I’m dead”.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@jonnysun

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

@NotGaryBusey

If a vampire bites his tongue, does his tongue become a vampire? Tongpire?

@JayCee302

The asian girl I’m playing chess against is really hot, you might say she’s worth a…

*puts on sunglasses*

“Second rook”

@Darlainky

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

@NotBachibawlz

Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”

“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”

@g0m

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day