@novicefather

[Personal ad]

Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.

You Might Also Like

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

@Chumpstring

[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Alex: yes
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k

@chrisdowning

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

@_zazaz_

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

@john_vavra

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

@timdonakowski

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

@simoncholland

My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.

@skittle624

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

@thesulk

Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

@ItsMeAshleyWee

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.