@novicefather

[Personal ad]

Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.

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@JoeBerkowitz

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.

@minkpinkustink

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

@thetits

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

@HowToBeADad

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

@KevinFarzad

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

@Roweboat13G

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

@BritXNic

For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.