Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Seeking hostile female rage rhino to suffocate me with her thighs. Smoker’s cough a plus. Oxygen tank required. No crazies.
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[cop car jeopardy]
Me: confiscated items for $200
Alex: this green p-
Me: what is marijuana?
Cop: be quiet back there
Me & Alex: k
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Couldn’t eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.