Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire