Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I think about this a lot
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.