Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more