PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
(True)
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*