@urgeekisshowing

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

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@Jaywoo74

Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!

@MamaFizzles

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

@Mr_Kapowski

I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts

@callmeEvian

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

@LipLush1

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@KevinFarzad

Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

@18_edits

Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?

@ninjadinosaur1

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie