Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
You Might Also Like
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no