Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

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Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!


The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.


I hired a personal trainer and my first 2 hour-long sessions were just him teaching me how to properly cut the sleeves off my t-shirts


Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.


Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.


[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.


Me in Heaven: damn this place nice as hell!!!

Angels: nice as what?


None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.


Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie