@urgeekisshowing

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

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@Nikkeya08

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

@joeljeffrey

I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.

@NotGaryBusey

I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.

@medievalfun

Jesus:”table for 26 please”

Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”

J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”

@Brianhopecomedy

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

@MarieColette

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

@B1gBrainsMcGee

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

@candace_9871

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

@XplodingUnicorn

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.