I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.
I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.
Jesus:”table for 26 please”
Waiter: “but there are 13 of you”
J: “yes but we’re all going to sit on the same side”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.