@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

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@UnFitz

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

@3sunzzz

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@MumInBits

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

@fro_vo

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

@InternetHippo

narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be

@FeelParmesan

*On a first date.

Her: I’m just tired of all the games

Me: *slowly slides the deck of UNO cards back in my coat pocket

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married