Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer