My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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Me: Whatcha doin?
12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.
Me: Did Hershel die yet?
Me: Guess not.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Lower your expectations.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Trick people into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Coworker: That’s a stupid song
Me: Your face is stupid
Coworker: Way to be mature
Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!