Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.