Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?

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[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much


Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.


My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!


Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.


I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now



If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned


Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.


*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something