@gregreckons

Personal trainer: You’ve gotta want it more than you want those donuts!

Me: *stops mid rep* Wait. What?

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@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

@BlindChow

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

@PinkCamoTO

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

@Cllnsn

Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like “DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?” and then Rachel shows up and says “I got off the meth.”

@aparnapkin

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

@FauxFawx

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

@WyLdAnIcA

When you text a guy “my shirt smells like you” be sure you spell shirt correctly.

@Paige__xxx

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?