Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.