Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Sorry. Not sorry
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.