Broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
If I was any hungrier Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would adopt me.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.