@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

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@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@wildvulture

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

@jwoodham

ASTRONAUT: Houston, we have a problem.
HOUSTON: Oh, we’re fine down here, thanks for asking. Let’s make this all about you though, as usual.

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.