Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.