PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?


Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.


“Holy shit, this is hot” – a mosquito watching someone drink a Capri Sun


People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.


It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.



Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no


10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.


They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”


In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder