PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.