Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Every time my phone rings
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes