@moutheaters

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

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@Diversion50

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!

@ericsshadow

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

@ArfMeasures

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

@KeetPotato

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

@FirecrackerKatt

I am just looking for a man that will love on me and tell me I am pretty and not ask questions when I ask for help digging a body sized hole in the woods.

@WilliamAder

If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.

@MsTexas1967

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

@OtherDanOBrien

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

@KKAlThani

Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.