Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
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my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.