T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
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Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
I am just looking for a man that will love on me and tell me I am pretty and not ask questions when I ask for help digging a body sized hole in the woods.
If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.