I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.