Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
What fresh Hell is this?!?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
🙀🙀🙀😹
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.