Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
plums roundup
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.