The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
The news
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
He a real one for that
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.