My dad.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”