Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.