Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

4: am i asleep?

me:

4: mom??

me: i…i feel like this is a trick

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”