Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
You Might Also Like
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
She was rare, like a goth jogging
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?