Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
happy mother’s day❤️
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already