@mattvalleau

Pet Review: Horses

Cost: Thousands of dollars
Pros: Bragging about owning a horse
Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth

1.5/10

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@brennadine

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

@TheBoydP

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

@Wine_Honey1

Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.

@TheTweetOfGod

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

@threeinchgiant

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

@MarlonBrandNO

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

@Mikecanrant

Blood moon, shooting stars….I gotta move to a safer galaxy

@GrantTanaka

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

@Spaced_Cowboy00

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.