Aaaa…CHOO!
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.