Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Pet Review: Horses
Cost: Thousands of dollars
Pros: Bragging about owning a horse
Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Note to self: Don’t get so drunk and try to ride the zoo animals, no matter how friendly they are.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Blood moon, shooting stars….I gotta move to a safer galaxy
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.