In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.
Pet Review: Horses
Cost: Thousands of dollars
Pros: Bragging about owning a horse
Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth
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me: [getting murdered]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Give me a massage
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack