I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.
Me: you mean the african large?
Customer: i think it’s a lion.
Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?
Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?
Me: snapping canoe lizard
Customer: i’ll take it
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me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
date: so tell me about yourself
me: i am comprised of atoms
date: haha no like what do you do
me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain
date: for like fun, i mean
me: sex and television
alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude
When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.
Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered