Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!