[pet shop]

Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.

Me: you mean the african large?

Customer: i think it’s a lion.

Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?

Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?

Me: snapping canoe lizard

Customer: i’ll take it

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1. Lose parents, inherit everything
2. Let people get murdered
3. Never murder the Joker cause he’s the best at puns


[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy


Oatmeal is supposed to be good for the heart but I’ve been rubbing it on my chest every day for a month and I don’t feel any different


I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby


Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.


Her: Make me a burrito, please.

Me: ??

*wraps her in blanket

*pours hot sauce inside


One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.


cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please


My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.