GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN:
1. Lose parents, inherit everything
2. Let people get murdered
3. Never murder the Joker cause he’s the best at puns
Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.
Me: you mean the african large?
Customer: i think it’s a lion.
Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?
Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?
Me: snapping canoe lizard
Customer: i’ll take it
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Oatmeal is supposed to be good for the heart but I’ve been rubbing it on my chest every day for a month and I don’t feel any different
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
ok, we can trust that baby
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Her: Make me a burrito, please.
*wraps her in blanket
*pours hot sauce inside
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.