@sonictyrant

[pet shop]

Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.

Me: you mean the african large?

Customer: i think it’s a lion.

Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?

Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?

Me: snapping canoe lizard

Customer: i’ll take it

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@dorsalstream

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

@clichedout

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

@captainkalvis

date: so tell me about yourself

me: i am comprised of atoms

date: haha no like what do you do

me: i pump blood through my organs and fire synapses in my brain

date: for like fun, i mean

me: sex and television

alien boss: [through ear piece] crushing it dude

@VerifiedJayy

When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is

@babyitsmb

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

@FeverFlave

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.

@cool_as_heck

Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again

@internetluke

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered