[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

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“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”


MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.


[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?


If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.


[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview]
Boss: Your resume says you are “definitely not 3 ducks in a suit.”
3 Ducks In A Suit: That’s correct


Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”


Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .



Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say


Then watch how mad he gets.