*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
ME: My search continues
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DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Husband’s Last Words
I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”
[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.
“You sure about that?”
[chewing on glass] Yup
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
game of thrones bt it’s my family fighting over who will sit in grandma’s chair while watching t.v. After she dies.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[dies, meets god]
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl