@joejwest

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

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@lazerdoov

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@HenpeckedHal

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

@Kids_kubed

Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!

@iamledgin

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup

@ericsshadow

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

@Sakshi9998

game of thrones bt it’s my family fighting over who will sit in grandma’s chair while watching t.v. After she dies.

@UnFitz

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

@aotakeo

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl