[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Noah was an idiot.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Bread puns are on the rise!
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.