[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
ME: My search continues

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*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat


DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god


Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!


Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.


[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup


ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list


game of thrones bt it’s my family fighting over who will sit in grandma’s chair while watching t.v. After she dies.


“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.


Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl