[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
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Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me