Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would