Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

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Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…




…still more neck…


…it’s a giraffe!”


My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.


Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?


You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.


I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…


My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.


what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing


People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?


creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.