[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this