@rebrafsim

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

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@Glynner85

I hate when The Little Mermaid is all “who cares no big deal I want more!” Like, you already have 20 thingamabobs you aquatic scumbag relax

@Cheeseboy22

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

@JawnClimax

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

@Manda_like_wine

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

@TheTweetOfGod

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

@SteveSuckington

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

@RocketRankoon

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE