[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
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typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market