[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
You Might Also Like
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Fries, not lies.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.