How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving?
I’ll show myself out.
Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
God: Poison bite, no legs
Angel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows