Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
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Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
poseidon: has anyone seen my trident
zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit