@KalvinMacleod

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

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@kumailn

Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@summerofbenny

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

@rebrafsim

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

@Death_Buddy

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

@mutedclamor

Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.

@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit