Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.
Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”
They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
You Might Also Like
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear
ME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.