PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.