PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
the clam before the storm
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further