@CodyJP9412

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

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@PatsATweetin

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

@Rollmaninoz

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@Goofpoops

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

@Sickayduh

Rose: I’m so cold.

Jack: Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie

@lizard_wizard77

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

@JXESAID

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is