Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
CSI is like Scooby-Doo for old people.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Rose: I’m so cold.
Jack: Listen, Rose. You’re gonna get out of here, you’re gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is