[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭