Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
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I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
socratic questions
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*