Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”