“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”