peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
THE AUDACITY. 😤
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.